I'm sitting here typing this while watching a reborn silicone baby box opening on the IPad with the TV in the background and wondering what to say.  Thursday I said goodbye to my little Sexy Lexy,  my 13 year old dog.  His name was actually Lex Luther, and along with his brother Kal El were my terror twins.  Born in 2007, they were the puppies of our "house-elf" deer headed Chihuahua Sassy and Deanna's furry little boy, Damien.  Damien was only 9 months old when Sassy got pregnant; we always said she raped him, since from that moment, he never turned his back on her.....he was obviously not "into it".  LOL.   

Damien was Min PIn, Chihuahua and terrier of some sort, so the boys were just mutts. 

At any rate, Sassy had three puppies, the two boys and a female, who passed away within a week.  ALl three puppies were brindle colored and there was just something not right with any of them.  Once the female passed away, the two boys became the Terror Twins...and boy were they!  

Kal was the smarter of the two...Lex was one of the sweetest, most polite dogs you'd ever meet...but he was obviously NOT a rocket science.  Kal was the leader and Lex just followed along, sweet and happy if not very bright.  They were never seperated; even when I took them in to be neutered, they weighed the exact same thing, 12.2lbs.  THe vet's office thought that was hilarious.  

When the boys were young, they had this stuffed elephant.  THe boys LOVED that Elephant....in the most BIBLICAL sense......that elephant was GROSS.  They literally "LOVED" it to death....  they would take turns with it, no fighting between them.  Eventually I had to get rid of the elephant...so the boys stole Paul's pink poodle Deanna got him for valentines day!  I'm not sure what happened to that poodle.....

Kal developed diabetes in about 2014/5 and passed away, and you have never seen a dog look so lost.  Lex just had NO idea what to do without his brother.  He tried to latch onto Scruffy, but Scruffy got very aggressive wtih him; at one point Scruffy grabbed Lex by the head and ear and tried to drag him under the bed where I couldn't save him.  I thought Lex was a gonner, but despite developing an absess from a tooth buried in his HEAD.  

WHen mom moved in with me, she discovered how polite Lex was.  Not used to having anyone else around teh house, Lex headed into the bathroom to go outside and interrupted her using the toilet.  Lex froze, shifted a little from one foot to another and she swears he looked at her like "OH!  So Sorry.....I'll just wait my turn over here.....".

When we moved in here with Daniel and Deanna, I was living in one small room with Scruffy, Lex, Annie, Taco and Oscar.  For whatever reason, Oscar grew angry at Lex and attacked him, twice.  I was trying so hard to get him off Lex.  Oscar is a hound dog and about 60lbs.  He grabbed Lex around the chest, picked him up and shook him.  I was trying to get a hold of Oscar, but everytime  he'd release LEx, Lex would try to rush past him and Oscar would grab him again.  It was terrifying,  and it happened twice.  I ended up having to give Oscar to Deanna....there were just too many of us in too small a room.      

Lex had a bad last few months, about 9 months ago he developed some kind of psoriasis, most likely some kind of auto immune or skin disease.  His skin became leathery and he scratched himself raw, leading to secondary infections.  HE lost all his fur, and itched horribly, so he had to wear a cone of shame.  His skin was so bad...once I got the secondary infections clear up, it was a matter of changing his Tee shirt every night and looking over him carefully, applying Triple ANtibiotic ointment to any place that looked suspect.   HE was miserable, but he was still my sweet, loving little Lex.  

Then Thursday, he woke up and went outside, he pooped and wandered around the yard a little in the sunshine, then came back inside for breakfast.   He ate well, warm water over his dry food to soften it, he loved it soft.  He went back outside and wondered a little more, then came back inside went to his den and napped, came out to sleep in teh doggie bed he adored, and spent the afternoon relaxing.  Later that evening, I pulled his cone off so he could have a little break from it, and he went into his den to take a nap before dinner....I found him when i went to feed them, he took a nap and woke up in time for dinner at the Rainbow Bridge with his brother, sister, Mommy and Daddy and all the furbabies we've lost.  There must have been a HUGE meal there...I can almost hear them barking.   

Maybe in the future I'll share some other stories of Lex  I know this is an odd post, but I'm just getting used to the new normal once more.    Someday I'll tell you'all some other stories, the Terror Twins more than earned their names! lOL.  

But for now, Rest IN Piece Little Sexxy Lexxy....until we meet again.  

Changes...ebb and flow of life.

 Life is like the ocean. It ebbs and flows, rises and falls; nothing stays in the same place, everytime a wave comes in, sand is pulled out, and other sand is deposited in it's place.  Just when I thought things were smooth sailing, another storm rolls in.  

When mom and I moved in with Deanna and Daniel, I thought it was going to be the beginning of a new era.  We were going to buy a house, live together...oh I knew there were going to be fights, arguments, head butting...but I thought that at least we were all on the same page regarding the future.  THen the thing came up between Deanna and mom.  Those two are like oil and water...they just can't get along.   I'm not going to get back into that, but it was a huge blow up.  But even through that, I thought at least the rest of us were solid.  

Of course I also knew that Daniel and I were like oil and water.  But I thought that we couldn't at least tolerate each other since we both love Deanna.  Goddess help me, I have tried to get along....I've bitten my tongue until it's hamburger (a great job since I have no teeth!).  I'm given in on everything...rules that make no sense, dealing with hurt feelings on my own, trying to stay away from them as much as possible.  I've given up things I loved, given up doing things I love...  I've dealt with being treated like I'm 100% the problem and through it all I've tried like hell to keep my mouth shut and not fight back.  That is not easy on me, believe that!  

ONe of the hardest things is feeling completely not respected, nor having everything I've done for this "family" appreciated.  It seems like nothing I do is appreciated; and I feel like I do a lot.  I feel like I ask for little to nothing, do everything possible to get along and show appreciate for what IS done for me, and try not to let the lack of actions hurt me.  

And yet; nothing seems to be enough.  I'm not appreciative enough, I don't give enough, I ask for too much...  I'm not saying I'm perfect, nor that I have no fault, I do.  Part of my problem is that my expectations were not in anyway matching Deanna and Daniel's expectations.    I thought we were a family of three, not a couple and me.   But like the waves, new changes are flowing in...  and like no one can stand against the ocean, no one can stand against change.

Deanna thinks she and I are too co-dependant on each other and we need to work to living apart.  Don't get me wrong, I've lived alone and I'm fine going back to that.  But further information, Deanna thinks her worrying about me is unhealthy, and so is talking to her everyday when we live separate.  I had no idea that she considered worrying about someone you love is a bad thing.  Did we talk a lot on the phone when I lived alone?  Yes.  But I thought it was because she wanted to; that it was because she enjoyed talking to me.  Not that she felt it was because she felt she HAD too talk to me, or that she thought I was in danger.  

So.  Now what?  Well, first of all, I have to get over it, deal with the new normal.  I'm going to start making myself a priority FOR MYSELF.  If I am no one elses priority, I need to make myself a priority.  I want to move to Washington State still, which has been a thought for a while.  Originally, we were going to go in together and buy a house with a mother in law area. However, now i'm looking at other places.  Maybe a mobile home in a 55+ or low income park;  A little one bedroom, or even a two bedroom mobile home in a park.  Or maybe just a low income apartment.  ANywhere I can have a pet, at least.  

So anyway...life's ebb and flow, waves of change like water, plans old and new....changes.  

Trying a new type of snack...#GoMacro #MomsMeet #ProteinsDecadence #proteinpleasure

 I've recently found companies that offer legitimate (means real!) product testing and I have to say, I've gotten some REALLY cool look out of it.  Some of the companies require a non-disclosure agreement, so I can't talk about those.  But others are far more concerned with showcasing their products.  One such company is "Mom's Meet" located at   https://momsmeet.com/ .  After signing up and filling out my profile, I waited "patiently" (Hey!  I did!  but only because I had no idea I was expecting anything!

So...what I received were products with which to hold a "virtual sampling party".  They give you a link to instructions on how to handle this,  which I can share the link too. 

Ok, now that the "how to"s are out of the way, let's talk about the items that were sent for me to send out.  The company name is GoMacro and the main product is a high protein Macrobar  in peanut butter and chocolate chip.  I was a little leery, especially after reading the company/product sheet.  

GoMacro was started by a mother/daughter team who created a sustainable, plant based diet to help the mom, Amelia, recover from breast cancer.   Amelia's daughter, Jola, adopted the diet to support her mother, initially, but found it helped her own vitality and health.  So GoMacro was formed to share the secret with the world.

I actually received two 12 packs of the PB and Chocolate Chip and a separate 4 pack box of PB and chocolate chip "protein pleasure".  In addition, they sent me a 4 pack retail box of "protein decadence", dark chocolate and almond.  I have to say, my initial reaction was...shall we say less than positive?  According to the information I received with the bars, the protein pleasure contains 11 grams of plant based protein.  IN addition, they are certified Organic, vegan, gluten free, kosher, non-GMO, C.L.E.A.N, R.A.W. and soy-free.  But in my opinion, they are certainly NOT taste free!  I was a bit surprised, actually, but these are really, really good!  Now I havn't eaten the dark chocolate and almond (hey, I'm a member off the Toothless Coalition...almond enjoying days are WAY behind me) but my daughter assures me they are most certainly good!  I think she enjoyed the DC&A more than the PB&CC.  And that's fine, more for me.  

One other very important issue...GoMacro also prides itself on using 100% renewable energy, including solar and wind energy.  So, good for the environment, good for you, good taste, good for small business, good for women owned business....what more can you ask? 

Interested in trying these?  You can get them on Amazon, Walmart or other retailers. They run about $8.99 for 4 bars.  A little expensive, but these can be meal replacement bars as well as a healthy snack.  If you're on the go, especially if you've got kids, dogs, or a busy schedule, these are really handy.  And did I mention GOOOD?  Yea?  I guess I did..

Im going to give some links down here to not only the product page, but the Mom's Meet page.   If anyone is interested in links to other Best Testing/Product Testing sites, let me know in the comments and I'll write a post specifically about these programs.                                                                                                                              

Oh....Hai....How long have you been waiting?

Did you ever close your eyes for "just a minute" and open them hours later going "what the F**K happened?".  Yeah.  That.  Times YEARS. 

So much has changed, I don't even remember what was happening the last time I blogged....nor can I think of a reason that anyone will care what I write about in my blog.  BUT, I WANT TO BLOG DAGNABBIT!

So....let me catch you up...  No, it's too much, maybe I'll catch you up later.  Right now, let me update as to standing. 

I live with my daughter Deanna and her husband Daniel.  Daniel is my caregiver since Deanna's medical condition  has changed.  Deanna has finally gotten a diagnosis for her collections of symptoms and has begun to adjust to living with a permanent condition that will most likely will NOT improve...the best she can hope for, according to the doctors, is not to get a lot worse.  The condition is no fatal, but can be very dangerous.  She has been diagnosed with Glaucoma which is actually a SYMPTOM of the real disease; Increased Intercranial Hypertension .  Basically, there is too much CSF (Cranial Spinal Fluid) around her brain and through her intrathecal space and that makes the pressure in her head climb to highly dangerous.  She can have a stroke, aneurysm....basically she could die if the pressure climbs any higher.  The IIH has caused her optic nerve to be compressed to the point that it is paper thin and nearly invisible.  That raises the pressure in her eyes  which has caused her to begin going blind, starting with the loss of her peripheral vision.

More on that and other updates medical later. 

More positive updates...Animal Crossing New Horizon!  Feel free to send me an ema4526nd we'll arrange to meet up somewhere.  Or check out my  Dream Address DA-5685-6067-1169.  My Island is Shadow Isle.   I have Pierce, Cheri, Tex, Dizzy, Simon, Diana, Diva, Ed, Spike and Skye.  (shoot me a friends request!)

The Express....still active.  Right now, I've stepped back from the STBs and found homes for the racers,  I'm concentrating on my Non-US Arabs (French, Polish, UK), American Arabs and my Stock horses.  The goal is to keep a small, successful string of each breed racing and breed enough keep replacing my retiring racers and selling some to keep the bloodlines active. 

eBay:  This is new.  Since moving in with Deanna and Daniel, it's become clear that I have to streamline my stuff.  So, I started with my model horses.  I've gotten it down to about 50 Classic to Traditionals.  I have another 100-200 SM models, that I'm keeping thus far).  So I started selling them on Ebay.  Now I've started picking items up at situations such as thrift stores, Walmart Clearance, etc. and selling them on my eBay store Bowen Towne Treasures.  

Pokemon Go:  Still playing, just not as much

Writing: Started writing a new ...err...book? ...story?  It's an original character story with a fresh plot.  A ghost story, if you will.  Every decision you make creates a new life line,  so what happens if a choice you once made comes back to you in a different life?  More later ? Maybe. 

Ok...so anyway, I'm going to kick back and relax for a while.  I want to work on my Animal Crossing....

I'll be back....soon.  Or not.  Maybe...  LOL.

Whelp...another year, another lack of blogs....I was doing ok the first part, but then things got busy with my mom's estranged husband, finding her a lawyer, etc. etc ec.  Since he lied so much on the papers he filed with the court that he may have a nice vacation in the County Hotel in his future.  And when I say lied.....WOWZA!  Once this whole situation is over, I'll able to talk more. For now, he's a liar and we have proof.

Moving on.........

As soon as this whole mess is over with, we (Mom, Daniel, Deanna and I) have decided to all move in together.   Deanna worries about Mom and I all by ourselves and what would happen if one or both of us got hurt.  Not to mention that she worries we aren't eating right, taking care of ourselves, being safe...etc.  Moving in will allow her to feel better about things and remove that particular stress from her life. We're looking for a large enough house that we can each have a room, with enough room for offices/game room/etc.  We looked at one that would work, it's got three bedroom, 2 bath upstairs, then a walk out basement with four more bedrooms and a bathroom, kitchen and utility.  We'd live upstairs, have an office upstairs for crafting, office work, etc and a game room downstairs with places to hold game (we have a pen and paper gaming group).    This isn't a sudden decision, we've been kicking it around for years. But we really think that this is the right time.

Those who know me, know my daughter Deanna, if not in person then at least by my tales.  She's going through a tough time right now.  I'm not going to expound on it, but happy, loving and healing thoughts are welcome for her and her husband, Daniel.

The fur kids are still my babies...though I swear if Oscar doesn't learn to chill out when someone drives on the ROAD  outside my house, I'm going to braid his vocal cords!  I had surgery in August, I had a bone spur on my arm and inflamed bursa.  At first it looked like a torn rotator cuff or bicept tendon.  Lucky for me, it wasn't.  They sanded down the spur as it was rubbing on my muscles and tendons and making it hurt to move my arm.  And he removed some inflamed Bursa.  My thanks go to Dr. Sadani of Harrison, Arkansas for the exceptional job he did...and some eye candy on top.

After my surgery I spent three days with Deanna to be "watched", lol.  Taco went with me and the first thing he did was walk OFF the sofa bed and bloody his nose.  He was more shocked than hurt, but I nearly passed out.   I HOLLARED for Deanna and Daniel who came running because of the panic in my voice; they thought *I* had been hurt...  Taco is ok, now.  But I wish it would teach him to pay attention to where he's going. But I doubt it.

Scruffy has a tumor on his side, and it's getting larger.  The vet says it's a benign tumor that we can have removed, but at Scruffy's age (he was born in 2005), we're not going to do it unless it REALLY bothers him.  The risk of anesthesia/surgery/etc is just SO hard on them.  He has started scratching at it, and I'm giving him some mild pain reliever occasionally; if it gets worse, a decision might have to be made.  With Damian, Sassy and Kal gone, Scruffy and Lex are all that's left.

Lex...ahh, my little (!) Piniped........ He got hurt a while back, Scruffy got into it with him and was dragging him under the bed where I couldn't get to them...  I got Lex away from Scruffy, but I guess Scruffy lost a part of a tooth. I THOUGHT it was over...I cleaned it out, it seemed to heal, but it had this hard center....eventually, that popped.....and we found the tooth fragment.  Got him cleaned out and treated and he's fine now...still a little head-shy.  I thought he might have had some sort of TIA or something because pre-pop his entire head was swollen and he seemed blind, or close to it.  The vet xrayed but didn't see anything.  We were going to take him into lance it the next day, but Lex beat us to it, lol

Annie is my little Chain Ganger.  She escapes from any place and thus has to go out on a cable.  She HATES it, but I'll do what I have got to do what ever it takes to keep her safe.She lost a lot of her hair this summer due to a flea infestation...NOTHING killed them!  I swear we used orals, shampoo, dips, powder (organic and chemical) and NOTHING got rid of them.  Even the immediate death pill (Capstar) didn't curtail them.  I'm praying by next flea season we're OUT of here.

The cats are well...KoKo (mom's cat) has settled in perfectly.  Toothless is in LOVE with him...but unfortunately for Toothless, KoKo doesn't swing that way.  One odd thing is that since KoKo moved in, Toothless has decided he "hates" Archangel!  I've got a bottle of water with a little vinegar in it that I use to persuade Toothless to be nice, but Archangel has NO idea why Toothless has turned from the loving brother who brought Archangel.  David is holding his own...his tummy problems and the damage to his rectal muscles mean he has accidents sometimes...but what's a little poop around friends; right?

One change this year is I'm playing Star Wars The Old Republic.  It's a time dump, I guess...but some of the stories are great.  Of course Deanna and Daniel are far more into it than I am.  They've become a vital part of their Guild (a group of people who work with each other for the social aspect).

Mom and I, after looking around a little, have decided to begin playing an online MMRPG together.  I'm going to suggest the SIMS too, but we will see what happens.  So far we're both more frustrated than having fun, but once we learn how to do things, I'm hoping we enjoy it.   If anyone has any suggestion for an online game simple enough our old brains to learn, let me know.

Ok...I've decided to begin asking a question at the end of my blogs.  If you're moved to share your answer, go for it...that's what Comments are for.

Do you believe in the supernatural such as ghosts, portals, ley lines, telepathy, past lives etc?

Annnnnnnnnnndddddddddd GO!

Well....hell.

Long time no write....no excuse, really, just time and desire never seemed to get together.  I'm in a horrible flare thanks to my CRPS (what is that? See my previous post in Feb about it) and on top of the two other "owies" that have developed, my pain level is no longer a 3.  More like a 5; which is far better than before the Pain Pump.


Speaking of Pain Pump, it's closing in on a year since I got mine.  August 3rd 2017 is sorta like a second birthday for me.  It's the day I got my life BACK. So I'm hoping to do something to celebrate that this year.  The ability to have my pain controlled is one of the best gifts I've ever received, second only to the birth of my daughter.  I've hit the "maintence" part of the pump now...we're pretty much where we want to be, though some adjustment is still needed.  The more I'm able to move around, stay out of bed, do things, the more my body hurts; in a good way, but still.  Plus I'm having some pain in my upper left arm and upper left leg, which is so far not diagnosed as we are still doing tests.  So far, after a nerve conduction test, the docs are pretty sure I have either damage to the shoulder joint, or a torn rotator cuff.  It may have been this way for a while, perhaps even years, but this pain was masked by the overwhelming CRPS pain.  The other problem is my left thigh/hip/knee; kinda hard to pin point where it starts.  I'm due to have a second nerve conduction test the 12th on the leg this time.  I can't have an MRI, which is the preferred type of test, because of my spinal cord stimulator, so we have to go old school.  If we can't get a determination from the nerve test, then probably a round of XRays and CT scans.    Reminds me of an old joke....skip if you've heard it.....


"A man brought his cat to the vet after it was hit by a car.  The cat was clearly beyond saving and the Vet put his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "Im sorry Mr Mann, Fluffy has died".  The man was beside himself, how would he tell his wife....his kids!  "Are you sure?  You didn't even do any tests!" the man demanded.   The vet sighed, went to the telephone and a minute later a beautiful black Labrador came into the room, sniffed the cat all over and then sat down and shook his head. 


Still, the man wasn't convinced..."there has to be something else!"  The vet sighed again and went back to the phone and a few second later a kitty came in, sniffed Fluffy all over, sat down and shook his head at the Vet.  Finally convinced there was nothing the man could do, he left Fluffy and went to pay his bill.  :That'll be $650", said the receptionist.  "$650", yelled the man, "How can it be that much when Fluffy was already dead?"  The vet walked in at that point and said, "Well, it would only have been $20, but you demanded LAB tests and a CAT scan"


(Told you it was old)


Anyway, such is life....please don't hit me for that joke....don't shoot the messenger!   On the good (or great) side...Mom has an attorney now.  Thank goddess for this man (I won't mention his name until I get permission).  He's already found out that all the property her ex was so careful to put into his name is marital property since it was filed after the marriage.  And the house they built is one of the few really BIG houses in that area; like 4000sq ft big.  He's already filed the divorce papers and now it's just a waiting game for her estranged husband to file a response.  Mom's attorney said the divorce would take at LEAST 4-6 months and possibly over a year or more if they have to fight for every butter knife....which knowing her ex, I'm sure they will.  After all, he decided that things she owned 40 years before she met him is his, not to mention all the gifts (like her tablet!) that she was given he considers HIS.  He'll fight.  But in the end, (knock on wood) it will all work out for the best. 


Mom and I are looking around at houses, nothing serious, but finding what is out there and learning about neighborhoods and the like, since we are planning to get a house in town when her divorce is final.  She wants to buy a place and has invited me to go with her.  So it looks like mom and I will be living together from now on.  Unless of course, she kills me over my slobby ways.  Yes, she's a clean freak and I'm....well, not.    Anyway.  I was playing around designing houses in my Planner 5D and jokingly said, "Here is our house, Mom!".  We laughed that now we just had to find it.  The next day a new house came on the market (or at least on Zillow) and I swear to you, it is very similar (very very!) to the house I designed.....right down to the bump out windows I put my plan. 


We wanted to go see it, but not going to happen, so we'll just keep on watching the market and trying our best to learn about the neighborhoods in Harrison.  Thanks to Google Earth, we can at least see the outside of them...and most on Zillow have interior pictures.  There isn't a rush yet, though mom has a bit of a timetable at the end of the divorce in regards to her social security and insurance.  But we'll figure it out.....we always do!


Ok, enough for today....though I keep thinking there is something I meant to say and have forgotten.  Today is the day Deanna and DAniel do all the shopping and bill paying, so they are going to be bizzy bees today.  A HUGE thank you out to Daniel  and Deanna for all they do.


Until next time...hit play and don't interrupt your life by pausing!


Marta

Getting Mail...

I LOVE to get things in the mail.  It doesn't matter if it is a free sample or something I've ordered off Amazon.  I'm not sure why it's so exciting, I guess it's a hold over from my childhood.  Periodically I get into phases where I go to these "free sample" sites and get some thing ordered; not always delivered, but most of the time it is.  Then there is Rank Booster and other sites like it.  Basically people with items they are trying to sell offer them up for vastly lowered prices to people on the site.  You get a couple, order the item from Amazon and then write a review, not on Amazon since that can violate the TOS, but on a blog...facebook...Twitter...Google Plus, etc.

I've gotten some cool items for far less than the retail prices.  I just got a 10000mha Power Bank for .10cents, and since I have Amazon Prime, that was all I plaid for it.  It's due to arrive tomorrow, and I'm interested to see it and how it holds up.  I've also gotten things like a BlueTooth speaker for $3, a nice gaming mouse for $4 and screen protectors for my S8+.  They have quite a wide variety of items, from clothes to electronics to pet supplies.  It's a lot of fun to find a "deal" and even more fun to find the package in the mailbox. 

Of course there other options.  There are groups who use some not well known chat programs to offer items to people for a lot less; sometimes as little as FREE.  And not crap either: Bluetooth headphones, clothes, electronic accessories like HDMI splitters and the life.  Tons of stuff, mostly from Chinese sellers who contract with people to offer their products online.   You find the item offered on Amazon, add it to the cart and show them you've got it.  They then send you code(s) for money off the product.  Most times the items are free or under a $.  One woman I know has gotten several thousand dollars of items for less than $100.  Once you use the code, buy the object and have it shipped to you and you receive it, you leave a review on Amazon.  Yeah, I know what I said before about violating the TOS; but if you give an honest review, it doesn't.  Despite it not REALLY violating (yeah, a VERY thin line divides it), if Amazon catches on to what you're doing, they WILL "wipe" your account.  You'll still be able to buy things on Amazon, still can have Prime...but you'll never, ever be able to review again.  And apparently their decision is FINAL; no appeal, no warning.  Do not pass Go, do not ever get to share your experience again.

Amazon explains their actions as "protecting the customers" from possibly false reviews.  They feel that people who receive an item free are likely to give it Five stars, no matter how good or bad the product is.    Of course, then there is the Vine program.  This is Amazon's "secret" little group of reviewers who recieve items for free or no cost and give an "honest and complete review".  The items they receive can vary from a nose hair trimmer, to a new video game system or appliance.  How do you get onto the Vine program?  That's the rub...you can't.  Amazon, in it's infinite wisdom, sends a private, secret invitation based on criteria they haven't made public.  The ONLY way to get on the program is to be invited.  Apparently Amazon can ask for the items back after the review, but they don't, and you have to agree not to sell or make a profit on the items sent to you.   The Vine program members have a badge on their reviews to distinguish them from those "other" reviewers. 

How about you guys?  Anyone have any way to get free/cheap "stuff" off the internet?  I've heard certain sites offer sweepstakes and prizes online are real sites, and have people who leave glowing reports of how they won a Starbucks $5 card; but I've never talked to a person who has won.  But  I guess hope springs eternal...and everyone loves a deal as well as packages in the mail.

Ever see a DOG chase the elusive

Review for Ewarmer 5200mah Power Bank, Portable Charger with Powerful USB Output, Portable... - Marta Towne - Blog Booster

Review for Ewarmer 5200mah Power Bank, Portable Charger with Powerful USB Output, Portable... - Marta Towne - Blog Booster: 5 Star Portable power in your purse



Anyone want some really good deals on things you don't need but are cool and fun?   More blog later.......

You have HOW MANY PETS????

Anyone who has more than one cat or dog (or ferret or bird, or fish, etc...well. maybe not the fish) has heard this question at least a dozen times over the years.  Usually it's accompanied by a shocked expression, wide eyes, occasionally terror and almost always the thought of "Hoarders" moving through their eyes. 

I ran an all animal rescue for 15 years pre-2009.  It started as a Lhasa Apso rescue, then to a ferret and Lhasa, then to "what the hell, bring it in" rescue.  I did adopt many animals out over the years to loving forever homes; and I still hear from some of the families.  But whenever you deal with animals there are those that are unadoptable.  Sometimes it's because of abuse, often it's because of the horror of puppy mills.  But in between those dogs that make your heart sing as you watch them go off with a new mommy and daddy and the ones who break your heart because they just can't be helped is a subsection called "Unadoptable".

Sometimes these babies are unadoptable because they're just DONE with people.  They've been abused, hurt, scared, and used in vile and disgusting ways by humans and they don't care to trust again.  If a dog is aggressive and can't be helped, there is often no choice but to put it down, but if it can be safely managed, it can be listed as non-adoptable and kept for it's life, or until the perfect person jumps up and falls in love.    Then there are the ones who have health issues, disabilities or other issues which mean that just anyone isn't going to be able, or want to, deal with for the life of the animal.  Though some special people WILL adopt from these lists...

I guess unadoptable is not the right word, closer would be "Adoptable to Special People".

Anyway, that tangent was to explain this one.  I have four dogs and three cats.  Or three and a half dogs, as one is only 3 lbs.  ALL the dogs, and one of the cats are remainders of the rescue.  You think 4 is a lot of dogs?  Five years ago, before my babies began to die from old age and their medical issues, I had TEN dogs; most small dogs.  Does it take a lot of time and care? Yes.  Will I have them all long? I don't think so. Scruffy is 13, Lex is 12, Annie is between 11 and 13, depending.  All of them are suffering from the pains of age, just like I am.  We commiserate a lot.  The three pound dog I was telling you about was actually my last official rescue before I just couldn't do it anymore. He's about 5-8.   And Oscar was taken in from a family that just couldn't keep him anymore, so I guess he's a rescue, but I know his history.  

The cats aren't nearly as old, except David.  David is 11 years old, and one of the two cats I CHOSE to have.  The other chosen cat is my black cat Toothless who came from my daughter's rescue cat who came preggers.  Arch Angel was under my house until he was drawn up though a hole in the floor under the sink by Toothless. 

Now, before I get roasted, I don't advise people to take in this many animals.  You should never take in more than you can care for and that means vet care, food, shots, lisc if necessary without causing you to go without food.  If I had my choice, I have one or two dogs and one or two cats MAX.  BUT, I made my true choice all those years ago when I took these guys in.  I promised to love and care for them until the end of their lives; and I will.  I will be there at the end, if possible for every single one of them, holding them in my arms and whispering how thankful I am that they were in my life.  How much I love them, and how much fun they will have at the Rainbow Bridge waiting for me.  

I guess in the end, they ALL will break your heart. 

Life update

"May you live in interesting times"  An old Chinese curse...or maybe blessing, at least that's what I've heard.  This last couple of weeks has proven that well.


First of all, my mom had a pain pump implanted on the 2nd of March.  Like me, she felt it was the best and only chance to get both pain relief and out of this "opiod war/War on Drugs/Chronic Pain Patients"  Her surgery went well and she went to my daughter's house (aka Club Bowen) for three days until her first post surgical meeting when they put her medication into her pump and turned it on.  Everything went ok that day, including the drive home which was hilarious.  Apparently "there were sharks and the cats were walking on water and chasing the sharks".  We stopped at WalMart and asked if she wanted anything and the comments were a bit garbled, but "I'm not functional" was clear as a bell. 


At any rate, we went to take her home and her estranged husband had locked the gate leading to the home he had abandoned for his new girlfriend; but my mother had been living there.  There was even an agreement that she would move out as soon as she found somewhere to move and they would leave her alone and NOT lock her out.  Her estranged husband was verbally abusive; spitting, snarling...he reminded me of the Tasmanian Devil.  We called the cops and they went to talk to him, but of course, he was no where to be found...I guess he doesn't really want the cops around.  '


So...mom went back to Club Bowen and tried to find a) An attorney and B) somewhere to live.  So far, she'd found neither. 


ANY ONE KNOW A GOOD ATTORNEY WHO TAKES PRO BONO CASES?  If you do, email or comment me. 


My mom is nearly 70, in bad health and recovering from surgery.  She got locked out of her home THREE DAYS AFTER SURGERY, and when asked where she should go, he estranged husband said he didn't care.  She got a meeting with the housing authority and it looks like eventually she will have a voucher.  But not for a while and Deanna's lease specifies no more than two people living in their home.  Meanwhile, I live in a two bedroom house.  The second bedroom was mostly storage, there is only one bathroom and the house has a LOT of issues.  On the other hand, it beats a bridge. 


SO we fixed the room up and Mom, her little dog Starr and her cat CoCo moved in here.  So far, so good...there have been a few issues; when I get frustrated I snap...when she gets frustrated she cries.  I hate it when someone cries and she hates to be snapped at.  BUT, the animals are getting along. I have 4 1/2 dogs (one is 3lb, he only counts as 1/2) and three cats.  (More on the critters in another post)  Her little Min Pin Starr has a habbit of snarling at the other when they get too close to her mom, but she's getting better every day.  And surprisingly my only female, Annie, immediately adopted Starr and Mom and decided that mom's room was the "Girls room/Girls Only"  The boys don't agree, but hey...things work out. 


Mom is a clean freak...I'm...well, NOT a clean freak though I've been getting better.  Mom has to deal with no closet (there is only one in the house), and none of her furniture except her bed (not the complete bed, just the base and mattress), but so far so good.... 


We've been talking about making this permanent, and it has a lot of plusses.  Lower bills for me, half the rent, a little money for my own every month...and company.  It's looking good at this point...


Besides, she's a HELL of a house cleaner!  She's gotten more done even recovering from surgery than I have in weeks.  And she cleans the cat box every day...the cats might strike if she leaves!


Sometimes "interesting times" is a blessing.

Simulated Horse Racing.

I love horses, I always have. I've been blessed in my life to have three wonderful horses of my own and to train several others.  I especially love Arabs, but any and all horses are special to me.  As some of you know, I have a large collection of "plastic ponies" from Breyer, Stone, Schleich and other manufacturers.  I have a few more expensive resin horses, but most of mine are plastic.  I have in excess of 1000 counting every size from Stablemate (1:12) to traditional (1:9, I think).  I have most of them packed away because I simply have NO WHERE to show them off. At one point, on the Mountain, I had them all displayed on a multitude of shelves around my mobile home...Deanna says those little black eyes give her the creeps even remembering them.  The only room growing up that wasn't full of shelves and horses was her bedroom and bathroom. 


Anyway, what is a horse lover to do when they want a hobby involving horses, but has no room, or in my case, no more room?  She finds SIMULATED ALL BREED HORSE RACING.  Yes it is what it sounds like....I have paper ponies, everything from US Arabs, to Polish Arabs, to Appaloosa, Paint and of course Quarter Horses.  I've been in this hobby for longer than I care to put a number too (though 2001 is the start I think), but I have breaks, some as long as a few years.  I always find my way back, however and I always love it, even when I have no time for a life, let alone a hobby. 


How does it work, you ask?  Well, if you're really interested you can go check out the website at www.theexpress.itgo.com.  Basically, all our paper ponies trace back to real horses; horses that, usually, raced in real life.  We "breed" them, which is not nearly as weird as it sounds (ok, maybe it is), by finding a stud and mare and creating a pseudo foal.  Gender is random, colors, pattern, etc are decided by DNA.  Trust me when I tell you, those in the simulated racing are better at DNA than many real breeders.  There is another group, that I used to be apart of, International Pedigree and Bloodlines Research Associations (www.ipabra.org) that "breeds" all breeds, from SHetland Pomies to Shire Draft horses.  But I digress.


ONce you have created your "Foal" you name it and register it with the group.  The one realistic lacking thing many do is decide on the breeding, name, color etc in one sitting.  So if I want to start r acing my horse, I'll make him born in 2015.  That's 3 years old and ready to start racing.    And yes, folks, we have a database thanks to a VERY wonderful and knowledgeable member, which as every horse ever registered in the express. 


So now I have a (filly) born in 2015 from two real race horses or one or more simulated horses.  Say "My Horse" is it's name.  Now what do I do with her?  That's where the fun really begins.


Some members of the hobby hold the race meets.  Bless them, without the stewards there would be no hobby.  They post the types of races (Maiden, Allowance, distance, etc) and open them up for entries.  Distances are, once again, based on real races.  Most stock horses run in yards (220-870), except Appaloosas which can run in yards, but many stewards use furlongs (1 Furlong is 220y).  Arabs, domestic or other race in meters on turf (T) or dirt.  .  You find the race you think your horse would fit.  Say it's her first race, so enter her in a Maiden race. If her sire won at 870y and her dam at 550y you can try one of those distances, or if their not offered a different distance completely.  Say I decide to enter My Horse in a maiden 550y race because that's where her dam won.  Most stewards use "fake money" in their meets, which help when you look at how successful (or not) the horses are.  


So, now you've selected your race, it's time to create the "race card".  That basically includes all the info a steward uses to run the simulated races.  See, these are not "draw the winner from a hat";  this is a comparison of horses in the race based on certain criteria which is specific to each steward, but often includes past races, his sire and dam and any full or half siblings records and other other deicions such as luck rolls.  Usually the stewards does the scoring without looking at which horse owners or breeder to remove any idea of favoritism. 


ONce the Steward has scored EACH AND EVERY HORSE ENTERED in each race (there are sometimes 20 horse entered in Race 1, which means splitting the pack up into R1A and R1b, etc.  And there are usually between 6 and 10 different races with different criteria.   Yeah, you see why I say bless stewards?  Running a meet is a LOT of work.  Then you compare the horses score.  Say My Horse has a 4 in parents background and Their HOrse has a 5, at the first turn, their horse is ahead of mine.  Each criteria is compared with all horses and the total s are the  end result.  So My Horse ends up with 14 points and Their horses ends up with 12.  My horse got to the wire first, usually by 1 or 2 lengths. (horse body lengths).   So I have a winner.  Next time My Horse races, it will be in an allowance, around the same distance and if she's racing a non winner, she'll have an extra point. 


And that's how Simulated Horse Racing works.  It sounds complicated, but despite everything, when you have a horse that won by 4 lengths with a wire to wire leading of the pack to victory, it's a shot of joy and energy.    Horses can race as long as they are sound in real life, of course our horses can always be found.  BUT most people retire their horses about 5-8 for mares and stallions and a bit longer for gelding.  Why, you ask?  Realism, once again, is paramount.  For some that means rolling each meet or year or whatever to see if the horses stay sound.   


What happens to your newly retired My Horse who has won 6 out of 7  races including a couple of high paying, impressive "Stakes" races.  So you have a mare, 5 years old, 7 races, 6 wins and a second with a winnings in excess of a $100,000.7(6-1-0-0) MGMSW $250000.)      You breed her, of course.  Find a real stallion or someone in the hobbymates paper stallion you think would work well with My Horse, ask the owner of the paper stallion for a "breeding" and create that foal as you did My Horse.  Random gender, color and markings based on their genetics...come up with a name...(Your Stallion X My HOrse) Colt Studly McStud)and the entire process starts over.




SO...that's my hobby.  It sounds complicated and confusing, but it's really fun and enjoyable.  Questions?  Hit my comments or drop me a line.

Short Post...long excuse list

Things are changing this week.    My mother was kicked out of her house by her estranged husband; well, actually she left for surgery and he refused to allow her back in.   She stayed with my daughter the weekend after surgery, then we went to take her home monday after her post surgical appointment and her estranged husband had locked the gate and refused to allow her back on .  HE ended up getting nasty and beligerant with DEanna, so we left down the road and called the cops.   The sherriff was nice and tried to help, but his hands were tied.  She does have the right to go back into her home, but she's terrifided of him as he has abused her mentally and verbally and his abundance of firearms.   So she went to deannas home for a while.

Did I mention that she has been filing applications for apartments and the housing authority?  Well, she has.  But be that as it may, Deanna and Channon's son had an agree to have he out within 2 months and they wouldn't harrass her or stop her from going home.  Not sure if the boy was lying to Deanna, or was over ridden by his father; either way, my mother has no where to go...and until we can get her stuff, she has nothing. 

Since I have a second bedroom, I've offered to have her stay with me.  I don't anticipate any issues, and barring that, she could just stay here rather than finding a new place.  MIght help both of us.

The only real problem may come between mom's dog Star and Annie, my only girl.  Both of them are older and spayed, so maybe we won't have huge issues.

Anyway...I started this Sat morning and it's now 9:34 pm.  I went to Deanna's for the afternoon, and dinner.  THUMBS UP DANIEL!  The corned beef was to DIE for.    Now my tummy is full, it's time to bolus and bed.  LOL

Catch you on the next one....

Adults needing "Safe Places" to avoid "triggers"....What?!?!?!

Ok, I gotta ask:  What is this thing about "Triggers" and protecting ADULTS from them?  Safe rooms with pillows to cuddle and soft music?  Not having a speaker at a college or university because they may "trigger" students to be s ad? 


Excuse me? Did I miss something?   Like a plague that cause otherwise normal human beings into helpless, whiny brats?    Now before people go commenting about PTSD, and emotional baggage, etc, etc, etc, I know all about them.  Depression, Bi Polar, Anxiety, chronic pain...those I am very familiar with . And the best way to treat them and reduce their stranglehold on a person is treatment and coming to grips with it.  Medication, talk therapy, cognitive reasoning, all those very helpful and proven effective methods. 


Let's start with "triggers".  A trigger is something that cause an otherwise sane and rational adult into a thumb sucking child.  Or something like that.  And the world around the HAS to accommodate them and not allow the trigger to happen.  Huh?  Rather than being something  that the person WITH the sensitivity has to deal with, it becomes everyone else problem.  What happened to dealing with things and if necessary, and you aren't ready AVOIDING the situation yourself.?  Why does everyone else have to change their lives, or not be exposed to something just because it "triggers" someone to remember a bad event and be sad?  PTSD is hard to handle, ask any Vet.  But we don't outlaw helicopters because the sound can trigger a flash back in a vet.  So why eliminate a class or uninvited a speaker or whatever because it might effect someone. This is not a society problem, this is a YOU problem...and the only one who can help you deal with and overcome the situation.

How about "safe places".  And I'm not talking about battered women's shelters and protective places against violence; those are very important and underfunded.  I'm talking about a college or work place having to keep a room for students, employees, whatever to go to when they are triggered or feeling bad.  I've seen these rooms filled with soft colors, gently music, pillows, stuffed toys...even kittens and puppies to snuggle.  I don't get it...I always thought you were supposed to make your home a safe place and just deal with things in the manner of an adult and not like a toddler who needs "mr binkie" and a cuddle.


I just read about a University who cancelled a very controversial and interesting speaker because some of some of the students protested because it could "trigger" some students and cause trauma.   Granted, it's been 20 some years ago, but when I went to college it was all ABOUT challenging me and my view points.  Triggering me to think about things, even traumatic things, and learn that not everyone feels the same way I do.  College was about expanding your mind AND your world and that can't happen if you're not "Triggered" to find out WHY it bothers you so much.,  and how it needs to be address so it DOESN'T.   YOU changed to fit the college and society...it didn't change to fit you. 


I've had shitty things happen to me. I've been raped, sexually harassed, attacked, molested as a child.  I've had traumas and life events that stained my soul and took part of my heart.  But that is MY BAGGAGE TO DEAL WITH.  Not the rest of you, not society, not University; MINE.  And snuggling a pillow while listening to Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ra and having a woman stroke my hair for $15 an hour is NOT the way to deal with things that upset me. 


Although...a room with kitties to pet whenever I want?  That might be a keeper.

Two steps forward, one back....

Well....hell.  I was doing SO good.  I went to lean over and pick up something I dropped and my bad (of course) foot got causght on my foot stand and I twisted my knee but GOOD.   My pain jumped from a 3 to a 7 and I thought I was going to CRY.  OF course, being my bad foot, you'd think I'd cut it off, and then I had to rub my right knee with Voltaren Gel, which is an anti-imflametary gel.  Of course, since both my knees have CRPS in them, it would have been painful on either, but this is my BAD leg...the leg that took CRPS home from the bar and introduced him to our body and immune system and like a bad date with an STD, CRPS never left and he's traveled through others.  Stupid analogy, I know...but hey, I'm ouchie here!


Anyway...rubbing down my knee with Voltaren was like torture, but hopefully I got it quickly enough and this is just a minor set back that will be better by tomorrow.  For those of you who don't know, CRPS causes the nerves to see every stimuli as pain.   So rubbing gel gently on my knee was like rubbing acid missed with sand and rocks into it.  Taking a shower? Think of getting shot with birdshot, soaked in hot sauce.  It hurts...it burns...it takes everything spoon I have to get through it.  I remember loving a nice, hot shower....ah, memories.  And of course, I'd bloused an hour before that...I'm hoping the Voltaren and another bolus in a few minutes will get my pain back down from the 5.5-6 it's currently running. 


One of the things I've been trying to do since the surgery while my pain has been lower is go through items and thiungs I've "collected" over the years.   DEspite better control of the pain, which is a blessing, I know the physical manifestations of all this doesn't go away.  I'll probably never walk again and almost certainly I will never walk unaided.  But maybe I can get out of bed and into my chair by myself someday...that's a goal. 


Ok...well I've run out of spoons for today, so I'm going to end this blog and watch some television, 


Everyone take care  of yourselves and I hope the next few days are healthy, happy and comfortable...for my Chronic Pain family, a low pain day and something fun to do.

New Blog...CRPS...Life Interrupted

Ok, I've tried this whole blog thing since 2013....and every time I start with good intentions and a desire to do this...and then I forget,  and by the time I remember, it just seems like too much to tackle.  Sooooooooo........Life Interrupted.
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As many of you know I'm a Chronic Pain Patient.  I have a condition called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, which is also known as Reflex Sympathetic Dystroyphy.   I developed this debilitating condition after a work related injury in 1992, and unlike many of my fellow sufferers, I was diagnosed with in six months by the UC Davis Pain CLinic in California; many diagnosis take years.  Years of burning, unrelenting pain that never goes away. 

What is CRPS?  I can give you links to specific places that represent us;  https://www.ninds.nih.gov/Disorders/Patient-Caregiver-Education/Fact-Sheets/Complex-Regional-Pain-Syndrome-Fact-Sheet  http://www.rsdhope.org/  http://www.rcdom.org/what-is-rsd-crps/rsdcrps-facts/

In general, CRPS is the result of a sympathetic nervous system (the one that controls the bodies flight or fight reactions) misfires and misinterprets every imput as PAIN.  There are indications that the Central and peripheral nervous systems may also be malfunctioning. What does it feel like?  It burns...put your hand in ice water for a minute, feel that icey burn? Yea...now imagine that which NEVER STOPS.  There are temperature changes, color changes, edema, blood vessel abnormalities (and in many cases changes to hair growth in the effected limb...)  In most cases, the initial suggestion of CRPS is made when the pain from an injury doesnt get better and seems to hurt more than it should.  According to the McGill Pain Index, which is a widely accepted as the most reliable index, CRPS sits at 45 out of 50.  That makes it, according to the scientists, more painful than unplanned traumatic amputation, cancer, child birth and most other.  It is THE most painful chronic condition that exists, according to McGill; it's the original "suicide disease".

And if that's not enough, IT CAN SPREAD.  What started in the joint of my right big toe (yes, Deanna Bowen, I'm the only person who can stub their toe and get a permanent disability) and spread over the years to the entire right leg/hip/back.  Then an injury to my LEFT knee cause it to jump over and start spreading.  It can spread for NO reason, though mine has spread almost every time based on an injury, however slight or severe. It's now in my left arm as well, and perhaps in my left shoulder.  And it can (and has in my case) affected my internal organs. 

While CRPS is considered RARE, that just means there are less than 200,000 people diagnosed with the disease, and the diagnosis is very difficult.  There is no one, AH HA test for it.   Mostly it's a diagnosis by exclusion in which other things are eliminated until you get down to this.  It also effects the immune system and there is indication it may be an autoimmume disorder. 

NOw, if you're gotten past that book, here is why I wanted to address it.  When I was first diagnosed I was told I'd be in a wheelchair with in 6 months.  I had a 2 year old child, that wouldnt' work for me.  In fact, it was 18 years before I got a wheelchair at all, and then I only used it when I HAD too.  It wasn't until after knee surgery in 2009 that I wound up in this chair.  The pain would cause my legs to stop responding to my brain and I'll fall, and I honestly just couldn't stand the pain of bearing weight anymore, even on the pain medication I was on.  Since then, my muscles have atrophied and the continued pain has meant I'll probably be in this chair for the duration. 

NOW, for the GOOD NEWS.  I was on Fentynal and Oxycodone and robaxin last year after tying pretty much every non-narcotic and narcotic meds there is.  I've been on pain meds for over 20 years to treat the CRPS and other conditions I've devloped.  With the current "war on opiods" (aka "lets kill off the disabled and weak and blame it on them when they had NOTHING to do with it") I was tired of being judged, threatened, etc.  Don't EVEN need the ER (like, for a heart attack, which I did) because once the ER sees CHRONIC PAIN, they immediately think you're out to scam them out of narcotics; no matter that you already have far stronger drugs at home and never asked for pain control.   SO, my Pain Management doctor and I discussed the options of a pain pump.  In the past, the pumps hadn't been as reliable and safe as I wanted; now, they are much more reliable and safer.  SO, we started the process January 2017.  I finally went into surgery for implantation Aug 3 2017.

Once the pump is installed, you have to go in to the doctor to have the medication adjusted until you find the dosage that's right for you. It's a process that can take weeks or even months in some cases.  I've had a couple of set backs and a catherter (the tube that carries the medication from teh pump to the intrathecal space) revision, but after my last adjustment, I'm thrilled to say I've finally reached the pain level that I set as my goal.  I know that I'll never be pain free, but on a scale of 1-10, my pain is running a 3-4 which is better than it's been n 25+ years.   a THREE!  OMG, that is like a miracle for me.  For me, 10 is unconscious from pain, and 1 is a torn muscle, I'm at a 3.  Now, granted, pain is a personal thing.  But my goal was to get to a 3 most times while keeping my bolus (an extra dose used for breakthrough with a PTM remote) down to 3-4 a day (I'm allowed 8 a day or 1 every 3 hours)

I know it's not a cure I'm still in pain, and the smallest thing can set my CRPS into a flare that reaches a 8-9 and sometimes a 9.5 and I'll probably never be able to safely walk again.  BUT I'm off all the patches and pills...I've even managed to stop taking the ambien for sleep....and I'm sleeping well without it. 

So, for those (if any) that managed to get to the end of this novel, THANK YOU FOR YOUR FRIENDSHIP AND SUPPORT.  This has really given me my life back....I'm even trying ot clean the house, though I'm still doing without a regular fridge, I have a heater and pain low enough to start development.

Seeking, Finding, Knowing...and What Has been there All Along.

I first discovered Wicca and Paganism in 1992 when I was living with my 2 year old daughter in a 32 Foot Terry Travel Trailer in a trailer park near Foster City, California.  I made friends with a neighbor, a wonderful woman named Jen who had a daughter near my own daughter’s age named Amy.  I knew, in a round-about way, about Paganism and I had studied both Hinduism and Buddhism in my past while seeking my personal “way”.  Jen introduced me to Wicca and I felt like I’d finally found home.  It may sound ridiculous, but that is truly how I felt. 

I began following the Dianic path of Wicca.  I had always had a fascination with the tales of Greek Polytheism, and their Roman counterparts.  I even named my daughter after the Roman deity Diana.  But when Jen took me to her Coven, I found that the calling I’d always heard was a real thing.   I heard my Lady telling me to THINK, to FEEL, to FORGIVE…I accepted the religion 100%, I followed it, well, excuse the pun, but religiously.  Within five years I had learned a lot and worked my way up to a Priestess.  During this time I traveled around California, I was suffering from what was then called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, now called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome.  Having been diagnosed at the UC Davis Pain Clinic in 1992, after an accident in early 1992, I had applied for disability and was fighting with the wonderful program called “Workers Comp”. 

I learned a lot during this time.  I learned that nothing is free, not even in our religion in which our deity actually pays attention to us. I needed $982.50 to pay a bill, so I did a ritual asking the Deity to send me the money.    The ritual worked:  the next week I was fired.  My severance pay was $982.50.  No one can say the Lady doesn’t have a sense of humor…or snark.

I moved to Bakersfield, Ca and became the High Priestess of a Coven.  Now I have to admit, while I followed the Dianic path, I was somewhat eclectic and brought in other things that just made sense.  For one, I had always known the “Ley Lines”.  Flows of energy, living energy from which all living being draw energy.  I always sensed Ley Lines, I knew where they were, where Nodes were, where Vortexes were and could draw the neutral energy from them.  I learned that I was what they called an “energy worker”, but I wasn’t a typical energy worker since most are healers and I am not.   I also knew that I couldn’t work with crystals; I burn out crystals very, very quickly.  I am also am empath, a medium and a telepath.  All of this I encompassed in my teaching of the Dianic path to my coven mates and initiates. 

All was well for over 20 years, until about 2010.  I had moved from a very isolated home ¾ of the way up the side of a mountain with the nearest neighbors over a mile away, AS THE CROW FLIES.  I moved to a house in the middle of a small town, in a cul-de-sac, just a block from the high school.  Talk about a difficult change.  I also had orthoscopic knee surgery that was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.  It did nothing positive, but made the CRPS spread all the way up to my hip and lower back.  I went from using my power chair sporadically and walking on my treadmill 3-5 miles three times a week at 3 mph to being bedridden and having to use my chair to go to the bathroom.  The house we bought was one of the strangest places I’ve ever lived.  It was, completely, psy null.  NOTHING non-corporeal could exist there unless it was attached to me.  I have spirits that are my guides and guardians, they were allowed to stay, though I came to find out they were not comfortable.  BUT, nothing else was tolerated.  I never did find out why, but three years later, I couldn’t take it anymore and we bought another house, in the country again, closer to town than before and with neighbors, but it was a normal house; resident spirits and all.

Now, just a note, I say “we” because in 2003, I met and married my best friend.  We were together, with a few “vacations”, until October of 2014 when he decided to move down to where his boyfriend lived.  While his sexuality wasn’t a surprise, his move certainly was.  It left me in a bad place.   Our house payment is $350 and I only make $705 a month on disability.  But anyway, during this time, I discovered I was, once again, seeking something else.  I stopped calling myself Wiccan, and began referring to myself a Pagan.  I had beliefs, but none that seemed to be a set, or a specific path.  I kept in contact with the different deities I’d always felt a bond with, but no one “spoke” to me. 

Fast forward to August 2015.  I read a “Pagan Jokes” post on Facebook and found reference to a Pagan/Wiccan Path I’d never heard of…Feri.  I began doing research, found out some of what I already believed fit nicely into this Path.  Other things were new, but felt right.  Now, I’ve just begun my studies, and while I’m seeking a Teacher, I’m not convince I will find out.  And Feri isn’t a Path that can be really learned alone…they use mostly Teacher to Initiate study and that may be a problem. 

I spent some time looking for guided meditation that might help me find a teacher, or at least a Spirit Guide who could help me.  Nothing Feri specific, so I decided to do a simple, generic “Find Your Spirit Guide”.  I was sitting on the bench, waiting when young male came and sat beside me.  He was a totally normal looking man, nice looking, sweet face, gently eyes, but not a “drop dead gorgeous” guide.  He had auburn hair, and was about 5’10.  We communicated and I felt he was not really telling me anything, then he took my hand and led me from the bench in the garden to a beach.  There, in the surf, was the Goddess.  Just as I’d always seen her, but I knew it wasn’t “Diana” exactly, it was HER…the special Lady that goes by many names, many guises.  I walked to her, and she embraced me, her smile was warm and gentle.  I knew…I just knew that she was exactly what I was looking for…what I’d always had, but had felt lost from. 

I “told” her I hadn’t heard from her recently and with a gentle, and slightly sad smile, she told me, that she’d been talking…I just hadn’t been listening.   She’d never left me, I’d just lost my ability to hear her.  But she wasn’t made at me, she loved me, she welcomed me.  The male, the God, was behind her and when I through that he didn’t look like my idea of the God, he smiled and appeared as the traditional view; horns, flowers and all.  He asked “is this what you wish”? 

I knew, in that moment, that I while I was indeed searching for a new Path, the Paths all led to the same place, exactly where I’d always been, in her, at home.  I’d just not been in the mindset for a long time to see it.  She touched my face and told me it was time for me to leave, and I didn’t want too, but that very moment, the Guided Meditation speaker began telling me it was time to wrap up the conversation.  The God led me back to the bench and hugged me.  He welcomed me back and told me he loved me, he had missed me and then I walked through the door, leaving the beautiful state of being and eventually “waking up”. 

The entire thing took 30 minutes, the length of the Guided Meditation.  But it seemed like both no time, and forever.  I came awake in awe, in love and with the knowledge that while a new Path was calling me, in the end, no matter what Path we walk, we are all walking the same direction, the same place and to the same end.  I intend to study Feri, it’s intriguing and I like the information I’ve found so far.  I have faith that a Teacher will come to me when it’s time, until then, I’ll keep reading, looking and seeking; but I will also work on keeping my personal relationship with my Lady and her Consort.  I crave that relationship and I had forgotten just how much. 

Merry Meet

Goodbye 2013.....

I am really not sad to see this last year pass.....it sucked!  I'm hoping 2014 is a better year all around.  Happy new year and safe returns.

Sleepless.......

Just woke up from absolutely horrible nightmare. I think a big part of it is that it's so close to the anniversary of Butch's death, It just reminds me how much I miss him.    I actually had to call and wake up Deanna just to hear a familiar voice.

I'm sitting here in bed, surrounded by my fur babies, including Avalon who is home from her sissies (much to her disgust). I love them all, and I know they love me.....and most times it's enough.  But there are times when I reach down expecting Butch to be there and the loss hits hard.  

I'm lucky that no one has told me "he was just a dog".  Most of my friends and family feel the same way about fur babies as I do.  And I've come a long way...I can go days without thinking about him now....I can talk about him without tears at times.  But tonight's nightmare tells me that I'm no where near over his loss.  Maybe I won't ever be, or maybe it will take the same 16 years that I was blessed with him.   

Sunday

Oh BOTHER......lol.   I feel a bit like Eeyore tonight.   There really isn't too much to say tonight, but I want to get I to the mood of working on this every night.  

Oh......

So......

Alters.