Goodbye 2013.....

I am really not sad to see this last year pass.....it sucked!  I'm hoping 2014 is a better year all around.  Happy new year and safe returns.

Sleepless.......

Just woke up from absolutely horrible nightmare. I think a big part of it is that it's so close to the anniversary of Butch's death, It just reminds me how much I miss him.    I actually had to call and wake up Deanna just to hear a familiar voice.

I'm sitting here in bed, surrounded by my fur babies, including Avalon who is home from her sissies (much to her disgust). I love them all, and I know they love me.....and most times it's enough.  But there are times when I reach down expecting Butch to be there and the loss hits hard.  

I'm lucky that no one has told me "he was just a dog".  Most of my friends and family feel the same way about fur babies as I do.  And I've come a long way...I can go days without thinking about him now....I can talk about him without tears at times.  But tonight's nightmare tells me that I'm no where near over his loss.  Maybe I won't ever be, or maybe it will take the same 16 years that I was blessed with him.   

Sunday

Oh BOTHER......lol.   I feel a bit like Eeyore tonight.   There really isn't too much to say tonight, but I want to get I to the mood of working on this every night.  

Oh......

So......

Alters.

First post

This is my first post and man, would it be easier if my ipad took dictation.  First of all, for those that find this, please know that while you're welcome to read and comment, I'm doing this for myself.

I am an inconvenience.  This has been shown more and more lately. Not by Paul, certainly as he has gone above and beyond for me.  But in the case of my daughter, I am certainly an inconvienence.  I know she'll argue that point, as she argues every point I make, and every feeling I have....but there you have it.  Every time I have to ask her to come over and help me, it shows.  Every time I do something she doesn't approve of, it shows.  She makes her living taking care of me, but I am just an inconvienence she has to deal with in order to get paid. 

Now please believe me when I say I'm not "playing the victim". As a matter of fact I'm not even crying when I write this.   It's more like an ephiphany that struck me as I w as driving to. Get my meds this morning.    Now don't get me wrong, I admit to being dependent on my meds and I sometimes take them just to sleep so the day will pass sooner, or I'll feel better mentally.  Though I do have a legitimate chronic pain condition that causes horrible pain (CRPS), there are times I take the meds because I'm just so tired of being tired.....so tired of being on fire with no way out.  But still, it would have been nice if the girl paid to take care of me, who said she was worried about me driving, had gone to get them.  But 9am is before her wake up time.  

I don't think she hears herself at times when she talks to me....how she sounds.   And her husband backs her up, even when she's wrong.  He'll, maybe I'm hearing things that aren't there.....I don't know.   What I do know is that what ever way you slice it, I'm inconvienent....I get in the way.