Life is like the ocean. It ebbs and flows, rises and falls; nothing stays in the same place, everytime a wave comes in, sand is pulled out, and other sand is deposited in it's place. Just when I thought things were smooth sailing, another storm rolls in.
When mom and I moved in with Deanna and Daniel, I thought it was going to be the beginning of a new era. We were going to buy a house, live together...oh I knew there were going to be fights, arguments, head butting...but I thought that at least we were all on the same page regarding the future. THen the thing came up between Deanna and mom. Those two are like oil and water...they just can't get along. I'm not going to get back into that, but it was a huge blow up. But even through that, I thought at least the rest of us were solid.
Of course I also knew that Daniel and I were like oil and water. But I thought that we couldn't at least tolerate each other since we both love Deanna. Goddess help me, I have tried to get along....I've bitten my tongue until it's hamburger (a great job since I have no teeth!). I'm given in on everything...rules that make no sense, dealing with hurt feelings on my own, trying to stay away from them as much as possible. I've given up things I loved, given up doing things I love... I've dealt with being treated like I'm 100% the problem and through it all I've tried like hell to keep my mouth shut and not fight back. That is not easy on me, believe that!
ONe of the hardest things is feeling completely not respected, nor having everything I've done for this "family" appreciated. It seems like nothing I do is appreciated; and I feel like I do a lot. I feel like I ask for little to nothing, do everything possible to get along and show appreciate for what IS done for me, and try not to let the lack of actions hurt me.
And yet; nothing seems to be enough. I'm not appreciative enough, I don't give enough, I ask for too much... I'm not saying I'm perfect, nor that I have no fault, I do. Part of my problem is that my expectations were not in anyway matching Deanna and Daniel's expectations. I thought we were a family of three, not a couple and me. But like the waves, new changes are flowing in... and like no one can stand against the ocean, no one can stand against change.
Deanna thinks she and I are too co-dependant on each other and we need to work to living apart. Don't get me wrong, I've lived alone and I'm fine going back to that. But further information, Deanna thinks her worrying about me is unhealthy, and so is talking to her everyday when we live separate. I had no idea that she considered worrying about someone you love is a bad thing. Did we talk a lot on the phone when I lived alone? Yes. But I thought it was because she wanted to; that it was because she enjoyed talking to me. Not that she felt it was because she felt she HAD too talk to me, or that she thought I was in danger.
So. Now what? Well, first of all, I have to get over it, deal with the new normal. I'm going to start making myself a priority FOR MYSELF. If I am no one elses priority, I need to make myself a priority. I want to move to Washington State still, which has been a thought for a while. Originally, we were going to go in together and buy a house with a mother in law area. However, now i'm looking at other places. Maybe a mobile home in a 55+ or low income park; A little one bedroom, or even a two bedroom mobile home in a park. Or maybe just a low income apartment. ANywhere I can have a pet, at least.
So anyway...life's ebb and flow, waves of change like water, plans old and new....changes.
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